Case One: Cock A Doodle DON'T

Well guess what? "Dam" you're a NOTTIE! You know it too, don't you, hence the no picture. You hide your true self, behind a poorly made icon made in MS Paint, of a male rooster and a pathetic slogan. As a fellow Kiwi, I feel nothing but shame right now. Move to Australia - you're no longer wanted in this country. To be more precise, move to Sydneys' Surry Hills suburb, it's filled with drunken losers just like yourself. You'll do well there.

Case Two: The emoticon abuser

Because I care about aesthetics, I have decided to omit the screenshot in this case. In other words, the screenshot was too long for my div container. Don't panic - I'm about to paste the message for you instead.

"hey :)) merry christmas :)

Body: hulloooo petshopgirl , i suppose its ur real name :D :p .. well , i looked ur photos , they r interesting, u look really so cute in those that i ever seen rarely :).. i would like to chat if u want to. sorry for my message now if i disturb u :p. anyways ,take much good care to urself baby angel:) i hope everything u have in new year would be much beautiful, hope to c ur reply . byee

Yeah, Petshopgirl is my real name for sure. My parents hated me so much right from the beginning, so they named me Petshopgirl in order to ensure that from day one my life would be a living hell. Now there's one thing above anything else that I cannot stand - well, stupidity is actually first and foremost, but secondary to that is OVERUSE OF EMOTICONS. As you can see, this guy is what is known as an Emoticon Abuser. I would now like to take the time to offer you my own personal theory on Emoticon Abuse. I believe that one abuses emoticons when one is nervous, trying to come across as cool perhaps, when deep inside they know they are failing miserably. They make up for it by cramming small spaces full of every single emoticon under the sun. Said abusers tend to have suffered from high school bullying, self-confidence issues, and more often than not have suicidal tendencies.

Case Three: Moth Boy

There are two reasons why I would never pay attention to this abnormal tit. 1) Because I wouldn't and 2) Dude, what the fuck happened to your eyes? Look at you...why don't you just kill yourself?! You look like a moth...a pitiful, incoherent moth, that is doing serious damage to MY GARDEN OF STANDARDS. Not that moths damage gardens, but you get my point. Ewww, get away from me moth boy.

In between the last email and the one I'm about to cover, I received an invitation to be in some bullshit New Zealand Bikini League. Yeah, I'll come along, and make good use of the PSGR AK-47. Have you seen my AK-47? It's been fully customised by West Coast Customs - sssh! they're only meant to do cars! - and it's hot pink and covered in silver glitter.

I also received this, from some tool whose profile pic was of him standing in front of the mirror with his phone camera, decked out in Adidas. He looked like Perry from Kevin and Perry Go Large. (My favourite movie)

"you are very gorgeous. love to talk to you more. and maybe trade pics. if yo uwant to see my cock. "

Yeah, whoopee, I can't wait to see your "cock", although I already know that it's the size of one of the pins in my mums sewing basket. What was with the "talk to you more" I honestly don't know - I'd never spoken to him in my life.

Case Four: Leaf Boy

Gold Medal in the PSGR GrammarLympics for the guy with the broadest vocabulary: LEAF BOY!!! I take it that's a leaf on your neck, because of course it isn't a tattoo. I'm so, so fucking sorry you are so "boredf", what does that mean exactly though? Is that Leaf Speak for bored? Sorry tool, but I don't speak your language. Hell, I'm not even on the same planet as you. I left Planet of the Apes long, long ago. Toodle pip, twerp :)

Case Five: The liar in granny knickers

While Gary Numan asks "Are friends electric?", PSGR asks: Do all liars wear granny knickers? Unfortunately the message was too wide to fit the capacity I've allowed in my div container, so here it is cut and pasted:

"hi ya hows life in good old Palmy?
are u one of the hoardes travelling into welly for celebrations?
awesome pics by the way u must have to work out heaps to keep your sexy shape would u like to chat a bit online?"

First up, what is with this Hi Ya shit? As you can see from Case One, this is not the first time this term has been used. It's Hiya for fucks sake!! Get it right, PUNK!! His drivel about working out made me crack up with laughter. If I worked out, I would probably drop dead from strain on my poor ( but hot pink and glittery! ) PSGR Heart. I have never worked out in my life, and you know it, tool. This was a compliment that went wrong...way, way wrong. Nice try though. What's with the granny knickers? As you can see, I've taken the liberty to draw some appropriate fecal matter and add it to the graphic, seeing as this guy is full of shit. For your information, Mr Granny Pants, I spent New Years Eve in bed, reading Our People, Our Century by Paul Smith and Louise Callan, whilst listening to Murray Inglis on Radio Live, my favourite talkback station. I then proceeded to indulge in a slice of bread, and exchange New Years greetings with, you know, my FUCKING BOYFRIEND?!??!?!?!!?!?

But please, readers, I am not a hundred per cent full of malice. I would like to conclude this experiment by sharing with you an endearing, heartwarming story, one for the whole family.

The ever-continuing story of Ulrich

Meet Ulrich. I will refrain from saying anything bad against Ulrich, as someone who I hold a great amount of respect for has commented on the fact that "Ulrich is cool". I'm not entirely sure if said respected person was joking or not, but nevertheless. I am greatly concerned over the mental wellbeing of Ulrich, due to the fact that on a daily basis ever since 26th December 2006, he has sent me a message titled Happy New Year. I don't think he seems to realise...stuff. Instead of target this clearly deprived dude, I decided to hold out on the insults. After all, it's not nice to mock the handicapped. So, I just drew some rabbit ears on him and left it at that - I know, I'm so nice :) :) :) *magic moment*

Edit: Said respected person later clarified the situation, and it turned out he was joking. Was fearing for his mental sanity for a while there...Tom...but it's all cleared up now and everyone's going to live happily ever after. The End :)

In conclusion

After the presentation of the five most major cases, I would like to now draw this experiment to a close. It has been deduced that a large amount of males on Myspace are sad, deprived twerps, longing for the physical love they've never had. Many of said twerps are deformed, and suffer from various facial abnormalities. I feel that I should also draw attention to the obvious lack of intelligence that these alpha males possess. It should be noted that females - those with sense - find lack of intelligence a definite turn off. There is no hope in life for the five unfortunate males that have been chronicled here - and as for Ulrich, well, I hate to say it but I think the poor fellow is a lost cause also.

Stay tuned for a new Myspace experiment soon - the next one will have a TWIST and will focus on something completely different!

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